Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.