Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
What the dentist sees
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF