He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!