Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
You Might Also Like
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A short story of betrayal:
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.