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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.