I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
How actors in movies eat their food
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.