Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Found my door mat
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”