Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.