Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
This probably isn’t good
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.