You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
What the dentist sees
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.