*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I missed you with all my darts
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.