Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
You Might Also Like
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.