Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.