Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Love this one 😂🧟
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Had an epiphany today.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out