My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”