You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong