Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything