Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[eats all your cotton candy]
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.