The fall of Netflix
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Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Succinctly put.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.