*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
You Might Also Like
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.