FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂