You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death