Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Have a lovely day 😊
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Heroic Misunderstanding
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go