My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The Birdles
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”