I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?