Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster