I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567