This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.