Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
How I like cutting carbs
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows