You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The sacred texts.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please