My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one