Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Did I do this right
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd