Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that