Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024