Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.