My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
79.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality