ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking