imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
damn he’s good
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?