“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry