Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
United Steaks of America
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Isn’t
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Inside you there are two wolves
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
🙅🏻
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”