You Might Also Like
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.