Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.