What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.