*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
🔦🌙👣
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.