If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know