You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
good work, detective
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.