*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Finally
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Good morning, Twitter 😊
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.