Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
how to have fun when you’re poor
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad