My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I hope Alan is OK
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.