Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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I want what they have
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that